just felt like sharing some personal experiences and stuff i've been thinking about lately. im a chinese guy in my 20s, lived in sg my whole life. my primary / secondary school years were the internet boom age, and i started watching porn from a very young age. i quickly developed an addiction and basically wanked to porn every opportunity i got. the more i did it, the more extreme genres i started watching. i also started using
"death grip" and edging. i think such extreme exposure to porn and masturbation from a young age affected my normal sexual and psychological development, and i never really had any real sexual experiences with girls until NS.
unsuccessful with girls my whole life, i thought i might as well visit geylang to lose my v card. on a drunken nights out, instead of heading home i went to geylang to get laid for the first time. needless to say it was a bad time, and i wasn't able to have sex properly as i was so used to my right hand and getting off to porn. this really scarred me further and i was so afraid that i had permanent ED (and at such a young age!). i even got borderline depressed and suicidal at that thought. on top of that, i had a lot of self-esteem issues wrt my dick size (im average, maybe even less than average but it felt like i had a micro penis cos i was so used to seeing gigantic monster cocks in porn). i went to visit a urologist but he said he didn't find anything wrong with me so the issue was psychological. it turns out, he was right.
after ORD i met a girl and i felt safe sharing this issue with her when she became my gf. she was very understanding and we slowly explored the sexual part of our relationship bit by bit. gradually, i was able to have sex properly and it was great. i felt like this huge grey cloud above me finally disappeared and gained this big confidence and we started bonking like rabbits. but still, it wasn't 100% perfect and i still feel that i have issues sometimes maintaining strong erections in bed.
but as time passed, things started to get stale and mundane, and our relationship didnt work out in the end (also due to a bunch of other stuff that i won't elaborate on). in fact, we broke up quite recently. i was sad, but at the same time started thinking about having sex with other women, after having sex with my gf exclusively for so long.
recently i started visiting geylang again and it was cool having sex with new people again. i decided to see hookers instead of getting into a new rs for now as i am not emotionally ready for a rs. but damn, maybe it was because of the guilt, or the std fears, or the lack of emotions, but the big ED problems started to creep back again.
most recently i visited this really sweet japanese hooker. damn she was super hot and attractive and i really wanted to bonk her to the max. but then disaster: it was the worst ED episode ive had in a long time. maybe it was because i felt shy in front of such an attractive lady. i thought maybe it was due to communication barrier. the other PRC hookers in geylang at least can chat a bit. or maybe i needed that "feels" part that i had with my ex-gf. i dunno man, i think i will get judged / laughed at for saying this kind of shit in this forum haha.
but yea it could be psychological, it could be physical (even tho a doctor cleared me before). i feel like some part of it is physical, cos my penis has difficulty standing rock hard and hung, its kind of droopy and weak at the base, maybe cos i wanked too much as a kid.
it worries me a bit if im ever able to find a partner in future because of this. i feel like my ex-gf was an exception, super wonderful human being who accepted me for all my flaws.
maybe i need to get a life and get more hobbies or start hustling more. i feel like my whole life ive been controlled by lust. like the only consistent thing since my youth was porn and sex and lusting for girls. like even with my ex who was great and accepted me with my issues, i still act like scumbag and keep lusting for other girls. idk man, outside of sex stuff what do you guys do? what do you find important in life?
sometimes i just feel lonely man. to be honest that japanese hooker was damn pretty and the thought of like talking to her and cuddling with her crossed my mind you know. like i wanna find out more about her and hang out with her. we can use google translate and shit... but nah i aint got $$$ for her company again and its just a fantasy cos hookers just want your money.
sry this post has been all over the place. thx if you're still reading xD. interested to know if any other people on this forum have had similar experiences as myself.